I Want To See You Happy
by YouMakeMeSmileLike
Summary: Phil has gotten a new girlfriend and Dan doesn't know what hit him. Does he get his feelings out or does he sacrifice them so that Phil can be happy? Rated T for swearing.
1. Chapter 1

I can hear Phil laughing down the phone to _her_. I don't even know how long I've been listening in on their conversation but I almost can't help it, the thin walls making it all too easy. Perhaps the worst thing about this entire thing was that I don't want to and _can't_ hate her, because she is truly a really nice girl - one totally deserving of someone as lovely as Phil and one who makes him happier than I've ever seen. They deserve each other and I would just have to accept that.

Phil laughs again and I feel the crack in my heart split some more. God, it fucking hurts.

"Sure, Lily, see you in an hour... ok, bye!" Phil says and I hear the bedsprings creak as he gets off his bed, presumably making his way over to me to tell me he's going out. Time to pretend I don't care.

As expected, Phil's head pokes through my door, bearing that look he has most days now. He looks so happy and the dull rage in my chest simmers down when I'm faced with his beaming face because no matter how much I might wish he was mine, he wasn't, and if that was how it was going to be, I want him to be the happiest he can be. Clearly Lily is very good for him. My heart ached.

"Hey Phil, what's up?" Smile. Scroll generically. Look up for a second. Look down. Scroll some more. I've got this acting down.

"I'm going out with Lily in a bit, I might be back late so don't wait for me to eat, ok?" I could see he was practically bursting to go get ready for his date, yet the fact that he is considerate enough to worry about me too is one of the things I love most about him.

"Mhmm, ok," I say - can't look too bothered - and his head disappears in less than a second.

Deciding my bedroom is getting too crowded in my head, I go to sit in the lounge and play Halo for a while. Having our rooms next to each other is too distracting in my already over-flowing mind with Phil-related crap.

Half an hour later, Phil appears in the lounge dressed handsomely in a quirky red shirt and black skinny jeans with his beautiful hair styled to perfection. I think that for a second there, my heart forgot how to function. He looks beyond gorgeous and there is nothing more in the world I'd rather have, than Phil in my arms.

Phil looks at me expectantly, "So, how do I look?" he says, twirling like a girl. I laugh, he's so cute.

"Just beautiful," I say laughing again to let him think I'm joking, or it'd just be weird but he has no clue how much I wish he knew how motherfucking gorgeous I thought he was.

"Thanks, anyways gotta go, bye - there's leftover pizza in the fridge by the way!" And with that he's out the door.

I don't know what happened then because I suddenly burst into tears. I cry and cry and cry and I don't want to stop or move. Just sit here in the lounge and cry for myself in pity and the pain of unrequited love. The dam has been broken and it is too late. My eyes grow puffy and my salty tears dry on my face hardening there as though to preserve my pain. I can see myself in the now-black screen of our TV and I hate it.

When Phil and I were both single, it was easy to deal with the fact that even though I loved him, it didn't matter that he didn't know because he didn't have anyone either. But now, especially when he is so happy, I can't possibly do anything about my feelings now. I want him to be happy and he is. I miss the days when I was his only commitment.

No longer able to stare at my tear-wrecked face, I go to wash and calm down. _It's ok_ , I tell myself but I mostly don't want to think about what would happen if it's not. Phil had saved me all those years ago from my depression, I wasn't about to let myself ruin his hard work. It's 9pm, I've been like this for four hours and I'm finally exhausted enough to lay down on the sofa and let the darkness pull me to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Jesus Christ, why is it so light out? I can barely open my eyes and I'm almost blinded in the process. I'm also significantly warmer than I figured I'd be since I don't remember going to sleep with a blanket. Phil must have seen me without one when he returned and thought I was cold. Affection for him floods my mind as once again, I'm floored by his true loveliness. My back clicks as I slowly shift out of the uncomfortable position I was subjecting my body to, taking in my surroundings.

It's silent in the apartment so Phil must be asleep. What time is it? I spot my phone on the coffee table and switch the screen on - 6:47am. Urgh, so early, so bright. When did Phil come home? My curiously is burning, I want to know all about his date, was it as full of joy as I imagined? Or did it go badly? I hope it did. No, I don't. I don't. Phil is so naturally selfless - why can't I be the same for him? I'm awful.

There is nothing else of particular significance in the lounge so while I'm up, I figure a shower. Under the pounding of the hot water, I take the time to think.

1) **Phil and I are no longer an option.** A sad truth. But that's just tough. I should have made a move earlier but since that didn't happen, it never will. Every time I think about it, pain suffocates my chest until I force myself to breathe.

2) **I might have to actually start dating again.** A scary truth. For as long as I've known Phil, I always thought we'd just grow old together as a couple. I rarely gave a second thought to whether this future was very appealing to Phil. Am I always this selfish? Regardless, the idea of putting myself out there on the market makes me sick because there is only one person I want to have me and they're off limits.

3) **Is Phil happy?** A question. An important one though. I like to think the only one that matters really. Phil and Lily have been going out about a week when he met her at Summer in the City. If things carry on the way they've been then I can certainly see how he would end up marrying this girl. They would make a beautiful couple.

I can see it now, Phil standing at the altar in his tailored suit, clean-shaven waiting impatiently for his bride. I would stand next to him as his best-man telling him to stop worrying and that if she had run away, we'd have heard by now. Then when Lily walked down the aisle looking every inch the beauty she is, Phil would cry because he's a sap like that and then they'd be husband and wife and I would be the miserable git who lived into his eighties alone while they went on to have rugrats of their own and then - STOP.

I felt sick again. I think I'm going insane. All these thoughts are so bad for me and yet all I want to do is think about Phil and our future - or non-existent future really.

"Dan! Are you in there? I really need to shower - I'm going out with Lily again, come out please!" I hear Phil shout and bang on the door. Way to improve my mood. More Lily. Yay. I wrap a towel around me and leave the bathroom.

Phil is pacing outside when I open the door and I scowl some more, why is he so impatient to see her again? Didn't he just see her? I play it cool.

"Woah, mate, didn't you just go out?" I ask, keeping my voice casual.

"Well, yeah, but I really want to see her again as she's going away tomorrow so..." A blush has painted his cheeks a pretty pink and I think I turn a bit pink too just looking at him. I'm the human embodiment of pathetic.

"When did you get back last night?" I want to keep talking to him longer since I know it's going to be another day with me and myself.

"Um twelvish...? Also...Dan, were you ok last night? You didn't eat, I don't think you even went into the kitchen and I don't know, but I thought that you looked like you'd been crying?" My urge to continue talking to Phil evaporates within seconds. Phil is perhaps the last person on this planet that I want to talk to about my unrequited love problems.

"Yeah, no I'm fine. Don't you have a date?" I can tell he sees through my subject change but I also know that I am right. He wants to go out with Lily but the hesitation that stops him from ditching me straight away makes my heart simultaneously swell and ache. I want him so bad.

Phil looks torn and the creases between his brows show me that I'll probably get another talking to later but not now. Which is fine by me. I'd like to postpone this conversation till I'm dead.

I walk into my bedroom, change into some comfy clothes and lay across my bed, my damp hair pooling water on the sheets. I want to scream really loud until my throat is raw and my ears are ringing. But I can't and won't. At least not until Phil leaves. I really need to talk to someone. To be honest, I can only think of one person I want to talk to and that is Louise.

Getting my phone from the lounge, I ring my bubbly friend who answers predictably on the third ring.

"Hey Dan, how are you?" she asks cheerfully.

I smile automatically, hearing her voice "Hey Louise, I've been better..."

"Oh? What's the matter? Is it Phil? Did you guys fight?" I heard her put down whatever she holding paying me full attention.

"No... Just... Will you come over please, I really need to talk to someone and you're the only one I can, I'm sorry" And I was. I was asking her to drop her plans and see me today to talk about my petty woes.

"Oh hush you! Of course I will, I'll come over around eleven?"

"Thank you Louise," I say and I hear her smile through the phone.

"No problem, see you!"

I feel a lot better about today now that I won't be by myself but with a friend. Better clean the house up though if Louise is coming around. With Phil barely here and me being perhaps the laziest person to walk the planet, our apartment is getting a bit much even by my standards. I hear Phil leave just as I leave my bedroom and though it's just as quiet as it had been before, I feel so much emptier.

I think a lot about what Louise and I'll talk about as I go about clearing the rubbish in the rooms and my nerves pick up again but luckily as eleven rolls round, the doorbell rings. Louise.

 **Heya, so chapter 2! A bit longer, tell me what you think - much appreciated :D I'll try to update again soon.. Hope you like it so far :)**


	3. Chapter 3

"Ok, Dan what's up?" Louise asks. We sit comfortably on the sofa sipping the tea I'd made us both.

"Phil's got a girlfriend." I watch her face carefully to see what she makes of my words. I have only told Phil that I'm bi but it wasn't that I was worried about telling Louise, it's just I'm afraid she'll realise my problem and tell me to let him go. I can't. No, I need her to tell me exactly that. Phil's not mine!

Her face is passive but I can see understanding in her eyes that tells me she knows. I gulp audibly.

"And…?" Playing dumb.

"I love Phil." I do. I really do.

"I know." Of course she knows. It's not hard to see – unless you're Phil obviously.

I watch as sympathy forces her features to scrunch slightly and I know what is coming but I have the sudden urge to make her understand. She needs to know.

"Louise, you have to listen to me. I love Phil more than anyone else in this world and I can't – I can't let him go," I'm crying now, tears pooling up in my eyes and overflowing onto my cheeks. "I know what the right thing to do is. I know I should let him date Lily without making it difficult but I want so badly for him to choose me over her. I can make him happy." Intense self-loathing plagues my mind and again, for the billionth time, I wish that I have the strength to let him be. His smiling face pops into my head and my heart sinks painfully at how I was going to taking that away with my selfishness. For fuck's sake, why am I like this?

"Dan, you need to stop!" Louise orders and in shock, I stop crying. "Look, I know it hurts. I know, trust me, I do, but Dan what are you doing? You can't break them up and I know you won't so you just need to move on." Louise's face is full of pity but I want to yell in her face again. I want to move on! Of course I do, I don't want to cause Phil sadness, anything but.

I'm desperate. I'm imagining Phil coming home and me telling him all my feelings. It would make him uncomfortable. And confused. Would he give me a chance? Would he drop Lily for me? My heart leaps at the thought, Phil and I, a couple. But that's just the thing, if he doesn't ditch Lily (which is much more likely), he'll feel incredibly guilty and feel horrible about causing me pain because at the end of the day, I'm his best friend and he does care about me. I don't want that for him though – he really doesn't deserve that. I must be strong. I will not tell him.

This entire time Louise has been watching me and I think she could tell when my resolve finally hardened.

"Alright Louise, how do I move on?"

"Well, maybe you should just try dating someone else?" Oh god. The displeasure, I'm sure, is clear on my face.

Louise frowns, "Oh come on, Dan, it's not that bad! You might actually like it, you never know."

"With who? I haven't thought about dating in forever," Why would I when I live with perfection itself?

"Ok so boy or girl?" Louise has a no-nonsense 'lets-get-down-to-business' tone and I feel safe, making me tremendously glad I told her – kind of.

"Either, don't mind really…"

"How opposed to blind dating are you?" She's got a smile on that tells me that I she really couldn't care less whether I was 'opposed' to it or not but that I'd just have to suck it up. Damn, what have I gotten myself into?

"I dunno…I've never really-"

"Great! So I think I might know the perfect one for you, I'll text you later with details. Don't think you can get out of it, I'll be checking! And gosh, it's almost 1, I've really got to head out, meeting Zoe for lunch." She stopped talking there and a contemplative look took over. "Look, I'm really sorry Dan that things didn't happen between you and Phil the way you want, but the right girl -or guy- is out there. Don't worry."

I'm really happy I have Louise as a friend and I hug her tight because she's almost like a secondary mother to me, always helping me out and listening to my problems. I don't think I will ever not be grateful for the amazing people that have been put in my life.

I wave Louise goodbye through the door and once it's closed I slide down the back, wondering what this date is going to be like.

 **Ok people, chapter 3... Please review, tell me if you like, or what's wrong with it, that's cool too! Chapter 4 soon, have a nice day :)**


	4. Chapter 4

I look at my face in the mirror critically. Brown hair. Boring. Brown eyes. Also boring. Dimple. Supposedly cute. Tan skin. Supposedly exotic. Emo-haircut. Phil likes it so I love it. Overall, I don't know what to make of myself. I am wearing a black dress shirt with dark blue skinny jeans in an effort to not look too depressing with my original plan of wearing black on black.

I don't know what I should be feeling right now. I am going on a date. My first in years. All of yesterday, I had been waiting anxiously for the text that would let me get on with the first step to moving on and contemplate what it would be like since I was all by myself.

Of course today, as Phil was home all day, we spent every hour together like we usually did. I forgot how much his company made me feel good, like having liquid sunshine run through your veins, what with how much he isn't around anymore. He is my drug, and learning to wane off my attachment to him is certainly going to be no fun ride. Not to mention the fact that I was so content hanging out with Phil, I was completely confused by Louise's text – why was I meeting a random stranger at 7pm by Covent Garden station? Who am I getting flowers for? Why was I supposed to dress 'properly'? And then it hit me.

It is beyond me, even now as I am doing my shoes up ready to leave, to understand why I am wasting away hours of my life that I could be spending with Phil. But that's just it, isn't it? It's for Phil that I'm going on this stupid date. Intense regret fills me. I don't want to go on this fucking date with a fucking stranger, who enjoys this shit? God, help me.

I walk into the lounge where Phil is watching something on his laptop.

"Wow Dan! You're looking nice, where are you going?" It's almost worth dressing up when you get a response like that. My cheeks start to burn.

"I told you, I'm going on my date remember?" Recognition shows on his face but so does something else. I can't honestly say what because although he is looking right at me, it's hard for me to look at him when I know he is scrutinising my appearance. I don't know what that something is but it's certainly there.

"Yeah…Yeah you said. Louise set it up?"

"Yeah, she said she thought they'd be perfect for me, so I don't know, I thought it would be a good idea." I'm not about to tell him everything about why I am actually going out with a random stranger but I wanted to talk about it with him so I made some cover story about Louise having a friend that wants to date me or something along the lines. May as well make myself sound desirable in the process…

"No, it is. I hope that you have fun." Phil's abrupt response catches me off guard and I want to press him further when my eyes catch the clock on the mantel, showing me to be running ten minutes late already. Sigh.

"Ok, bye Phil. Don't miss me too much" Miss me. Please.

"See ya."

X - X - X

I'm a bit late but I can't see the girl I'm meeting either so I take a breather. Power walking past a thousand people is tiring work especially when you're so unfit, you get a mini heart attack climbing any number of stairs.

"Hello?" I look up, surprised, and then down, caught off guard at the voice, to stare into two pretty brown eyes. Wow. She's a lot shorter than me, with me towering her at my mighty height, but she's very attractive. She's got wavy red hair that surprises me considering the darkness of her eyes, but it looks very real and suits her pale complexion. Wow.

"Are you Dan?" her voice is sweet, matching her rather petite size.

"Yeah, and you are..?" I trail off. I wish I had taken the time to buy flowers. I really want to impress her now.

"Amelia. It's nice to meet you," She's got a nice smile too. Hmmm, maybe this won't be so hard? Already I can feel the tight reigns that Phil holds around my heart loosening.

"And you… so how do you feel about sushi?"

"Love it, lead the way!" I smile too. We walk down the road to the sushi restaurant that Phil and I always go to together and we're chatting the entire time like we've known each other for longer than just a few minutes. But it's when I can see the restaurant that something snaps in me.

I just stop walking in the middle of the pavement and Amelia took a few more steps before looking back at me incredibly confused. What the fuck is wrong with me? But whatever it is, I hate myself for it. I thought that this was what I wanted, to be out on a nice date with a pretty girl who'll help me get over Phil, but no. I don't want to take her to _our_ sushi restaurant, it's where only Phil and I go together. It's special to me because it was here, out of the blue, that I realised that I loved Phil wholly with the entirety of my heart when he was balancing straws on his nose. Adorable, I know.

"Hey, what's the matter?" I feel bad now. I don't want to date her. I know I don't. It's not fair for me to do this.

"Nothing, can we go somewhere else, I'm really sorry…" She must think I'm a total freak.

"Sure, I like all food," God, she's so nice, she's doing that nice person thing that Phil does where he tries to be really enthusiastic so that you'll feel better. This girl, just like Phil, completely deserve someone better than me. Phil _already_ has better. I try to pull myself together because I want to at least get through this date and have a nice time because Amelia is lovely as heck and the least she deserved is a great evening out no matter how shitty I am.

"There's this Italian place just a bit further down the road, if you don't mind?"

"Of course not!" Amelia smiles and I want so badly to want to date her because she is perfect for me. In the little time we've spent together I already know that she's into all the things I am but I can't and won't force myself to date her because I am not going to use her to wipe away my problems with Phil.

The date looked up from that point and I can happily say that it was a great date and that I had a fun time talking to her about everything from bands to least favourite X-factor judge to most used sock colours. I am an idiot for letting a girl like this go. Oh well.

At the end of the date she says "I had a wonderful time, Dan, really, but I know your heart is with someone else, so go and chase them, you're an amazing boy and any girl would be lucky to have you." Urgh, she's just like Phil, so nice. Phil. The image she was painting seemed so easy which in reality is everything but. Either way it's not her problem. I thank her and we part ways.

Phil's still up when I return and he's on my case as soon as I walk in through the door.

"Ooh, tell me! How was it? Was she nice?...Are you going out again?" He says this last part differently and the face is back. The same face from before.

"Hello Phil, and yes, she was, incredibly so, no really I mean it, she was so lovely the stars may as well have shined from her face…" What am I doing? Am I trying to make him _jealous_? Well, technically, I'm not exaggerating either, Amelia is just as nice as I'm saying and he has Lily, he's not going to be jealous. But when I look back at Phil, he seems…sad almost? I stop talking. I'm making him sad? I backtrack quickly.

"But actually, Phil, we aren't going to be seeing each other," I am reading every bit of his expression but all I am getting is confusion, but maybe, just maybe a slight lift of the lips? Now I'm the confused one. What is going on?

"W-why not?" His voice _cracked._ Oh my god. What? Phil's ears burn bright red.

I smile a bit, "I don't know, I don't think she's the one… Anyways, goodnight Phil."

 **Sorry it's been** **awhile** **, school's started again which means I have significantly less time but I am trying my hardest. As always, feel free to review! Always appreciated! Hope you guys like it :)**


	5. Chapter 5

It's been a few days since my date and to be honest, nothing much has happened on any front in my life making me feel like I'm in a weird limbo where time is going on around me but I'm lagging behind. Anyways, Phil and I haven't been out since but despite that, apart from the occasional gaming session, we've left each other alone.

I don't know why either. I love his company, but recently I've been too confused. About everything. What's the right thing to do? Leave Phil or chase Phil? How do you know what the right thing to do is when so many wrong things masquerade around as the right thing to do? Does Phil like me? Before my date, I would have known without a doubt that I was only his best friend, but now I don't know. Does Phil like Lily? He does, for sure - he wouldn't give her his time if he didn't truly like her and I've seen his face when he talks to her, it's not fake, I would know. Would Phil leave Lily for me? I didn't want to answer that question.

In any case, with questions like these constantly circulating my head, I don't blame myself for becoming the internet recluse I've become. I filmed some today, but I wasn't feeling particularly inspired about anything so after only five minutes of turning the camera on, I was lounging on my bed scrolling through tumblr. What a productive life I'm leading.

Phil didn't seem to be doing much either, but Lily is coming back to London today after her trip to Cambridge, and I can tell he's jittery about that. I can't exactly pinpoint whether they're anxious nerves or excited nerves but I often feel like with things like this, my wishful thinking makes me too generous to myself. In fact, it's quite probably that Phil has absolutely no feelings for me and all his weirdness about my date was just something completely other that I'm missing because I'm an idiot.

I want to say that I don't care that he doesn't like me back since I know there are others out there like Amelia who are perfect human beings, but I do care – a lot. Phil means more to me than any person I've ever met. I love him too much.

"Dan, can Lily come over? She's back!" Great. I regret the fact that I've had him to myself for nearly four days and spent hardly any of it with him. Now Lily's back, I'll be lucky to spend even one hour together.

"Sure. I'll just be in my room." Can't act like it bothers me. I feel like I'm back at square one again.

"Cool."

X – X - X

I've been on my laptop for about an hour when finally I hear the doorbell ring. I look in the mirror to make sure I'm vaguely presentable as I feel like I should at least put in the effort to say a measly 'hi' to my best friend's girlfriend.

Lily and Phil are sitting in the lounge when I walk in, both looking very cute together, laughing and talking about whatever it is that they talk about. Lily's looking very beautiful and I can understand Phil's attraction to her. I feel self-conscious about unstraightened my fringe, my shaggy clothing and the scraggly bit of stubble that has accumulated slowly over my days in bed.

"Hello, Lily, nice to see you again," I say politely and Phil is smiling so I'm glad I decided to do this.

"Hey, Dan, it's been ages!" She's very bubbly – like Phil's other half, full of optimism and sunshine and smiles. I don't blame her; I'd be all those things if I knew Phil Lester was my boyfriend. We make small talk for a bit but after only few minutes I want to stop. It's hard! Harder than you'd imagine it'd be anyways.

For one, I don't know her but even though she's a lot like Phil in character, she's quite… boring? She's all the perk and none of the quirk. Phil is the perfect blend of being handsome, funny, weird, kind and happy but Lily is too uninteresting for me to truly appreciate her company. Not that it matters what I think, maybe Lily is what Phil finds attractive? If so, I have no chance.

I spend another ten minutes in their company and I don't think I can stand any more when the doorbell rings again.

Phil looks at me but I shrug. I'm just as baffled. There is no one who comes to our house without letting us know beforehand unless it's the postman but it's way too late for him now.

Mostly relieved at being able to leave them, I rush out and down the stairs to the door but I hear Phil excuse himself and follow after me.

"I wanna know who it is too... Plus if it's an axe murderer, I can protect you with my amazing ninja skills," he says as we come to the bottom. I open the door and... it's Amelia.

"Hi Dan, I know it's creepy my turning up here unannounced but I can't forget about you..."

 **Ok, so kind of fillery but I wanted to upload so you guys wouldn't be kept waiting longer. Review s'il vous plait! Thank youuu :)**


	6. Chapter 6

What?

All I can really do is stare Amelia down. Phil is completely silent next to me and when I look at him, his face is pained and his fists are tight, his knuckles luminous even against his porcelain skin. Oh no. No one says anything for another while and I realise they're both waiting for me to speak.

"Um, Amelia, how did you get my address?" I guess this is important too.

"Louise gave it to me," she says. Seeing her again makes me realise how pretty she is but when Phil is in the frame with her, she's dull in comparison.

"Well, come in anyways, this is Phil, my best friend," I point towards a motionless Phil.

"Ah! So this is the guy you were talking about, hello!" Phil's head snaps to me as though surprised he came up on my date. He's so silly, there isn't anyone in the world I wouldn't tell Phil about, he's the sun in my world, as cheesy and cliché as it sounds.

I nudge him and as though on autopilot, he says "Hi Amelia, nice to meet you." God. What's wrong? Why is he being like this? Lily is just upstairs, she can't see this...

The three of us walk up the stairs in an awkward silence, my mind entirely too fucked up to really fill the space with anything vaguely normal.

"Hey!... guys," Lily says as we walk in but her expression becomes confused when she spots Phil's face, which has spaced out in deep thought. What's going on in his head? I want so badly to know.

"So, um, Lily, this is Amelia, Amelia, this is Lily, Phil's girlfriend," I say because I want to draw her attention away from Phil. He needs to snap out of it!

Lily makes polite conversation with Amelia but there's something off about her too now and I know it's Phil she's wondering about because her eyes wander to him everyone other word, probably trying in vain to understand the situation like me. What is going on? I find myself asking this question way too often nowadays.

Phil is jealous. Of Amelia? I think. I can feel this bug of happiness crawling through my insides, rising in my body, as what I think must be true becomes more solid in my head because this must mean _he likes me_. Phil. Phil _likes_ me. Phil likes me? Oh no.

I've been dreaming and yearning for this moment for so long that even the thought of me wanting to disregard this fact makes my heart tug painfully in my chest but I have to. I must, if I want to see Phil happy. I mustn't be a crappy friend.

Firstly I have to let Amelia down nicely. I can't imagine doing anything else at the moment and I don't see any other course of action and once this pops into my head, I feel better because I've got a game plan. Fuck, when did things get so complicated? But in all honesty even with all this confusion, I haven't felt lighter in my life because _Phil likes me_ and this is all I've ever wanted.

When the conversation comes to a natural lull, I ask "Uh, Amelia, can we talk in my room? Give these two some privacy?" Lily seems relieved and Phil just stares at me with no emotion. Great.

"Yes, good idea!" Oh god. She's so happy. I'm going to crush her. Fuck my life.

We sit on the edge of my bed with me staring at the floor thinking of an intelligent way to start as Amelia watches me like a hawk. I don't know how to do this! How do you break up with someone you aren't even dating? I thought we decided at the end of the date we weren't going to see each other!

Finally I pull myself together and utter "So... Amelia..."

She laughs that pretty laugh and I stop again. God, this is hard.

I try again, "Do you remember what you said to me at the end of our date?"

Her lips fall when she thinks back. She must remember.

"Yes, I do. But before you say anything, I know you like someone else but I can help you. I spoke to Louise you know, and she said you needed help getting over them. Let me in, Dan. We can happy together, we got on so well! You were the nicest date I've had in forever and I find you very attractive. Think about how easy it would be for us to be together." I imagine it. But I don't like it. On the surface the image is a lovely one where everyone is happy, but it's not true. _I love Phil._ I don't want this, not with Amelia. I want to be with Phil and that's all I want. But I don't want to break Phil and Lily either. What am I doing?

Amelia is reading my face and I think she can see the regret plastered everywhere on it. I cringe internally.

"I'm sorry, I just..." I start, rubbing my neck.

She sighs heavily, "No I am, why are you sorry? I'm the one who just turned up here. I'll leave you now..." We both get up from the bed and it's then that a great CRASH sounds from just behind my door. What the hell?

I pull open the door and Phil is sprawled across the floor, his face red with obvious embarrassment. Was he eavesdropping? Where's Lily? I look up and see her at the end of the corridor with, for the first time, an angry expression marring her pretty face.

Amelia pretends Phil isn't lying in the hallway and marches quickly out of the house saying quietly that she's show herself out. I feel bad. This seems to be the only thing I'm good at - feeling pity when other people have it worse. God, I'm so selfish.

Time for part two of this hellish mission. Snap Phil out of it and make sure Lily doesn't break up with him. The two sides of my brain war with each other as I think about what I'm going to do. On one hand, _Phil likes me._ But more importantly, I can see first-hand how happy Lily makes him. I want him to be that happy all the time, I've never seen him like that with me and it's this thought that simultaneously has the power to wreck me and resolve my will to do what is right. The right thing is always the selfless thing, right? I think so. Who knows, really.

 **Hello again! Another chapter for all you lovely people :) Tell me how it is if you fancy... I think there are about two more chapters until the end so we're almost there guys...**


	7. Chapter 7

Once Amelia leaves, there is silence in the apartment again, and I stare at Phil sprawled across the hallway. But I'm also kind of angry. He's making it so hard to do the right thing when he looks up at me like he is, especially when all I want to do it kiss him until our lips chap. I sigh. If only. I can be a good friend.

I pull him up, and whisper with enough force to shock him out of his trance staring right into his beautiful eyes "Phil, you need to stop. We can't be like that." And then my heart broke.

If anyone asks me what true pain feels like, I can tell them because the look in his gorgeous eyes was so full of absolute anguish that I wanted to stop everything and tell him I didn't mean it and that I was lying for his good and I wanted to hug him and kiss him better and tell him that I wished for nothing more than to be with him and that I love him and-

But I didn't do any of these things. I was going to be selfless like Phil has always been with me. I can't make up for all of the selfless acts Phil has committed but I wanted this one act of mine to pay the price. The biggest one of all for me: handing Phil over to Lily. I'm not good enough for him; he needs someone as perfect as he is. This is for his good.

I watched as slowly, understanding began to clear his mind and he turned to look at Lily. Without a second glance at me, he got up and walked into the lounge and she followed him in closing the door behind them. I wanted to scream again and cry like I did the other night but this was all my doing. I wanted this even.

That's when I can start to hear the shouting. It's muffled and I can't work out words but it's Lily I think, but then I can hear Phil too. I don't want to eavesdrop but I don't bother stopping myself either. I shuffle closer to the closed door and press my ear against the wood.

"-do you think I fancy Dan? He's my best friend!"

"Be honest Phil! I saw the jealousy in your eyes! I could see it was eating you up that Amelia was here expressing her love for Dan. Plus the way you were looking at Dan, Phil, was not platonic. You don't even look at me the way you look at Dan..." At this point, she'd stops shouting, and seems to sob a little and I feel awful.

"Just tell me, Phil, I need to know. Do you have feelings for Dan or not?" I stop breathing, waiting. There is silence for five seconds.

"No. I don't." It is like being punched in the gut, if you want to know what it feels like. "I thought I did but I was wrong and it was silly of me to think Dan and I'd have something but Lily, I want to date you, so don't worry. I'm sorry about the way I've been acting, please let's go back to the way we were before." Again there is silence but I have bigger issues now. I am crying and I can't see anything, and I don't want them to see me here like this. I'd only make things worse.

I stumble back to my bedroom and duck under the duvet, hiding from the world, light headed and slightly dizzy in the darkness. I don't hold back the tears that soak my pillow as I cry about what I had done and how much I wanted run back to the living room and declare my love for Phil. But I had brought this on myself. And now I am paying for it.

Only a little while later, Phil's head pokes around my door and I can tell he thinks I'm sleeping since my back is to him because he hesitates, but either way, he whispers, "Lily and I made up, thanks Dan for your help, we might go out now for a bit though, I'll be back soon." This is what stops the tears, because I'm feeling better about my decision. I needed to hear Phil's thanks, I am glad that I get to see that happy Phil again that I haven't seen in the time that Lily has been away.

I drift off to sleep thinking about Phil in my arms.

 **Sorry about the incredibly long wait but school happened D: So anyways, what do you guys think is gonna happen? Review please! I always appreciate it :) See you again soon - hopefully.**


	8. Chapter 8

His black hair. His blue-green-yellow-radioactive eyes. His lean body. His full lips. His chiming laugh. Everything about him lures me in. I can't even pretend that these things don't affect me in some way. When I made the decision to let Phil go, I clearly underestimated how painful it was going to be because this is worse than anything I imagined. It's been a tough month, let me tell you.

I cry nearly every night, but this intense release of my pent-up pain at the end of the day allows me to look reasonably alright during the day when I have to be around Phil. I've mastered the art of silent crying, of all the skills to have in life - but one that is currently serving me well.

In the beginning everything was awkward. Breakfast was awkward, lunch was awkward and dinner was just as awkward. One of the worst things about the fact that it was so awkward was that we refused to change anything about our lifestyles. We still did all these things together and it was difficult. Perhaps the worst thing though was that Phil thought I didn't love him like I do. Obviously I don't blame him, it's what I made him believe but it was hard for me to not burst out and spill everything.

Now, a week since the incident, things are doing much better. Phil goes out often with Lily and he looks happy but it's not really the same as before. That might just be the friction between us that's making me think this but either way, I feel good about my sacrifice because he's got an amazing girlfriend who's just as wonderful as he is and he's going to live a truly lovely life with her. Each time I rationalise my plan for Phil, my heart lurches a bit.

As for me, I've never been so miserable in my entire life but I assume it'll get better - at least that's what Louise says. I've spoken to her a few times this week to just talk to someone who knows about everything, and I'm so grateful because she's so patient with me and really makes me feel better. Until I hang up, and then it's back to reality and I hate it.

But as I mentioned, Phil and I are in a better place, it's almost like normal between us where we pretend nothing happened and I'm fine with that since I get to spend quality time with him when he's not out with Lily. I'm ok.

X - x - X

It's been a month and I'm not ok. Not at all. But... neither is Phil. Let me explain.

I've always been in tune with Phil's every emotion because nothing matters to me more than making sure he is as happy as can be. Over the month, though, I've begun to notice that things are not alright.

We've always spent a lot of time together, as roommates and best friends who have a tonne in common but now, I barely ever even see him. I thought things were alright when in the first week everything, albeit a bit awkward, was perfectly fine but things quickly deteriorated after that.

It started off little; he'd have breakfast without me even though for years we've waited for each other. He'd deny playing multiplayer games with me in favour of work which is fair enough but when was that a priority in Phil's mind? Then as the days went on, he'd talk to me less and less unless he absolutely had to and now I'm lucky to see him as he spends all day everyday holed up in his room - I wouldn't even mind if he at least went out with Lily but he doesn't even do that anymore.

Just after their fight, they'd spent the days together but after that, he seemed to dread going on dates with her even when he told me otherwise. Phil was often late for her and back home early and wouldn't really explain this either. He rarely tells me about her like he used to, back when her favourite perfume was the highlight of his day. They don't spend gooey hours on the phone anymore and as far as I can tell, they haven't seen each other in at least two weeks.

And I can safely say that during this time, I have become the same. Even though I sometimes try to seek Phil's company, inviting him for a Mario Kart marathon, I can't say it isn't easier to deal with my pain when I can't see him. I don't want to participate in the world going on around me. I cry too much and am too unpredictable to go outside in case I lose it buying cereal in the corner shop. I look dried up, with bags and slightly bloodshot eyes, hobbit hair and red nose. I don't want anyone to see me, let alone Phil.

I'm suffering and I thought I'd be ok but the truth is, I need Phil more than I thought and I think, maybe just maybe, Phil needs me too... He makes me happy and me me. I want him so bad and the ache in my heart can't take it anymore. I love Phil and I want to tell him, kiss him, date him, heck I'm ready to marry him. A month without you and I feel like death. I promise to make you the happiest person in the world because you deserve it but I'm done now and Phil, I'm coming for you.

 **Hello lovely people! Another chapter, quite a downer in the beginning but Dan's finally got it at least :P An another note, did anyone else watch PINOF 7? :D**


	9. Chapter 9

I'm so fucking stupid. Phil liked me back and then I went and fucked it up for the both of us and I have not a fucking clue how to get him back. He probably doesn't even like me back now and that thought hurt me the most. It always sucks knowing you can't have what you could have had.

It's 11am and Phil's in his room still while I'm watching some TV by myself. Is this actually what my life is like now? I don't have more time to dwell on it when the doorbell rings. Who the hell is it? Phil's head pokes through the door to the lounge and I'm shocked by his appearance. Looks like he's been having it tough too. I try to ignore it because I know that some part of it is my fault. It rankles me inside.

"Do you know who that is?" Phil's voice is slightly croaky from disuse but he sounds so sexy, I just stare at him without answering.

He takes my silence as a negative and for the first time in ages, I can see some of the childish Phil-like curiosity return and I leap off the sofa to join him on the quest to find the mystery guest at our home. I walk after him and I indulge myself in watching his fine bum and the way his hips move. God, I want him so fucking much. I don't know what came over me then though because we're almost at the door when I yell "Stop!" I need help.

Phil understandably jumps and his hand slips on the handle, swinging opening the door forcefully, when I finally let out what has been driving me insane all these years "I love you, Phil."

I hear two gasps. One from Phil. One from Lily, standing outside our door. Oh no.

X - x - X

One hour has gone since I declared my love for Phil and I've spent that hour listening to him and Lily arguing through the walls. So here's how everything went down my admission:

Everyone was still. No one said anything even though we'd all heard what I'd said. Lily looked as though she was in shock and I could feel all the blood in my body pool in my face and ears. I couldn't bear to look at Phil even though I knew that it would be best if I did so that I could gage his reaction but I didn't want to see rejection on his pretty face. I just can't. Not then and not even now. Which is why I ran and why I am still hiding in my room instead of fixing the huge mess I made with his relationship with Lily.

Don't get me wrong, I wanted to hang around to help the situation but with how embarrassed I was and just how awkward everything else was, had my legs moving on their own accord up the stairs and into my room, straight under the duvet.

I didn't need to strain to hear the shouting though with our paper thin walls. I wish I couldn't, this was my entire fault. What timing I have.

"I knew it, Phil! You can't deny it now! You've been seeing Dan behind my back -" Lily is crying.

"Like I said! I wasn't cheating, I don't know why he said he loved me! I'm just as confused," Phil yelled back. Lily seriously doesn't know Phil if she thinks that he's possibly cheat on her. That'd be the last thing he did. But I'm being unfair. I do make the entire situation look bad for Phil. I'm literally the worst best friend there could be.

"Even if you aren't going out, there's something there, Phil! Don't try to deny it because it's more than obvious!" Is it?

"I don't _know,_ Lily! I just don't know what's going on..." Phil's voice has dropped in volume and I escape the fortress of my covers to press my ear against the wall outside my bedroom in the corridor to hear what he's saying.

"-things got really hard. Dan's been weird and I want things to go back to normal. I don't know why Dan said he loved me - I'm being honest with you now, Lily, you've been a wonderful girlfriend but I don't think I can keep seeing you because I don't feel that way about you anymore..." It's all silent again and I wish I could be in the room to see their faces. So Phil doesn't like Lily now?

I watch as they leave the lounge and walk down the stairs together, unaware of my presence only down the corridor but they both look so sad. Is this my fault? Does Phil blame me for his failed relationship? Can we be together like we wanted? Does he love me?

All these questions.

"We need to talk, Dan. Now." I look up into Phil's beautiful, determined eyes.

Looks like I might be getting some answers.

 **Yes, I know it's been an absolute age D: I'm sorry! This chapter was hard to write for some reason... How am I doing? I want to make the next chapter chattier or at least more entertaining somehow... Dunno... ANYWAYS Review Review Review please :)**


	10. Chapter 10

The atmosphere in the living room was static, I could feel the sexual tension with every fibre of my being and I was more than sure Phil could too with the pink colour his cheeks were. I wanted to start off and explain first but my tongue felt very heavy in my mouth, leaving me silent.

"What the hell, Dan?" What the hell indeed. I feel like I could have executed my grand declaration a bit better. Urgh, too late now. Phil looks a little angry. Uh oh.

"I just don't understand! I thought you fancied me and then you went and shot me down and then you go and tell me you love me? You're so cruel, Dan, why would you do that to me?" It pierces me right in the chest that this was what has become of us. I need to fix this.

"I just... I wanted you to... you know... I thought that..." I stumble over my words and I can't find the right thoughts to make him understand. Phil's eyes bore back into mine and I can see pain in them and I desperately try to rack my brain for the right things to say.

"You know what, Dan? I don't care." With that, he leaves me standing in the room and I can hear him rush out and down the stairs to the jangling of his keys.

For fuck's sake. I burst into tears. As if this is happening. This was supposed to be us getting together finally. Why can't I do this right for us? I want to see him happy. With me.

My legs get up and before I can even comprehend what I'm doing, I'm running. I don't know where he's gone but I'm going to find him. I rush out the front door and straight into the torrential downpour that is British weather. The rain is so thick I can barely see one metre in front of me but I set off again down the street that leads onto the main road.

Strangers stare at the weird man running through London looking like a drowned rat and after only a few minutes my chest is burning and my legs aching. But I don't stop. I need to get to Phil. When despair begins to set in, I can make out a silhouette that looks a lot like Phil near Caledonian Park where we went together many times when we first moved to London.

Putting in a spurt of extra energy I sprint for Phil who has turned into the park unaware of my presence.

"Stop!" Phil turns around to look at me but carries on into the park. Oh no you don't.

I quicken into a sprint and rush after him, all my energy focused into catching up with him. I don't give a shit what happens, he need to know I love him.

In the park, Phil is a short way down the lane but he's not moving and he's facing me, his hair sticking to his pale face that illuminates in the greyness of rainy London, his clothes like a second skin, outlining his slim frame, his eyes blank, his expression clear.

"Phil..." I breathe when a come to stop in front of him.

"Explain to me, Dan." His voice very strong until "Please..." when his voice cracks and features soften.

"Phil... I love you." There's no way else to explain it but Phil only looks confused.

"Then why do this to me, Dan? Why let me believe you like me and then tell me 'we can't be like that'?" I know he is crying, even though the rain hides it well and my heart breaks at how I had reduced him to tears.

"I didn't think you'd want me and I wanted you to be happy - like the way I saw you with Lily. I thought that was what you'd want. You're always so selfless around me, I wanted to give back to you the way you do for me." How does one fully make someone understand exactly what's in your head? I want to make him understand but there seems to be no words in the world that can fully encapsulate how everything I did was for Phil and Phil only.

"I didn't think someone like you could like me, you deserve the best, Phil. You are everything that makes mankind worthwhile. And I'm so sorry for playing with you like this but I only wanted to see you happy." I'm crying now. For my mistakes, my pain, Phil's pain but also relief too, to finally get everything out.

I look down, too embarrassed to look Phil in the face but I'm happy now that Phil knows properly. I love him.

Amongst the roaring in my ears and the thundering of the rain, I can make out some words which I don't know if I can trust with my senses:

"I love you too, Dan." Phil is closer to me, his face mere inches from mine and I stare into his blue eyes, picking out the greens and greys that make them unique, and I can see love pulsing in them, and curiosity and hesitation and vulnerability and just too many other emotions for me to put my finger on them all. I divert my eyes to him lips which look too soft and plump for me to resist and when I look back into his eyes, I can read the invitation clearly. _Kiss me._

Who am I to resist? When our lips meet, slowly at first and then more forcefully, it was like liquid gold pooled in my stomach, all the blood rushed to my head and a live current was whizzing through every nerve ending in my body. My face and neck burned from where his hands were touching me and I couldn't help the sigh of pure joy that left my mouth. This is what I've wanted to for the years and years I've known Phil and it is so much better than my imagination.

As I become completely breathless, I break away and I stare at the blush in Phil's cheeks and revel at how unbelievably adorable he looks. I can get used to this.

"It was always you, Dan." Phil says and my heart leaps at the words. I'm dreaming.

"Then why did you go out with Lily?" I ask and but I know why. For the same reason I went out with Amelia, surely. Phil gives me that look and I know he knows too.

"Let's go home. I've missed you." He takes my hand and together we walk back to our apartment, still getting soaked in the cold rain but I don't give a shit because Phil's warm palms are enough to get me back home.

 **Ahhh... Don't hate me! I know it's been ages... Writer's block came in and smacked me full force and I didn't want to put out any old shit just to be fast but I still don't know how I fully feel about my writing in this but the events make me happy so this is it. I want to put out one more epiloguey chapter just because I love epilogues but that will be the end I think. Anywhoo, HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS! :)**


	11. Chapter 11

**SLIGHT SWORD ART ONLINE SPOILER! JUST SAYING. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED :P**

So. It's been a long time. 4 years to be more precise. 4 years, 1 month and 6 days to be exact. I'm proud of us, of Phil and I. In the beginning I doubted whether us being together would work out - plus what if we don't? The thought of losing my precious friendship to our break up had me wishing we could have stayed the way we were. But no. There is no way we could have gone on the way we were. Stupid, really. But the past is the past and now we're heading for a new era.

That's right because tomorrow is the 25th October, and it was on this day in 2009 that we showed ourselves to the world as friends, a double-act, one entity. And it seems only fitting that on this day, ten years later, I ask Phil to marry me, officially initiating the path to actually being one.

I spent all of today thinking about the speech I want to make and yesterday I had gone out and gotten the nicest engagement ring which I had seen months before I'd even thought about marriage. The simple silver band with cursive engravings set with little diamonds to add. Beautiful to look at and it will be even more beautiful against the porcelain skin of Phil's hand.

My Plan:

 **1) So where?** Easy. Here. Home. Neither me nor Phil are particularly bothered about going outside when the comfort of the home we made for ourselves together is so much more meaningful than sitting dressed uncomfortably in an any restaurant - no matter how good the cuisine.

 **2) And when?** After dinner I suppose. Is there a better time for popping the question than while we're basking in the feeling of content after a good meal? I think not. And neither will Phil, probably, considering our mutual love for food.

 **3) What food?** After much deliberation, I came to the realisation that Phil and I, we aren't romantics. We don't need it really. We just know that we love each other and there has never come a point where we've needed to prove it with corny gestures like you see so often in the movies. And our favourite food? Pizza of course. Good ol' Dominos pulling through for us.

 **4) Actually...** Greasy hands + delicate ring don't sound too good... Ok, so definitely after we clear up - gotta be prepared - maybe during an episode of Sword Art? We've been doing that thing where we re-watch a bunch of our favourite episodes in animes we've seen and this is one of Phil's favourites.

How much more is there to proposing, really? Oh yeah, a speech. I know I should definitely write one now so I can practise a bit before having to do it tomorrow so that I don't make a fool out of myself. I also know I'd be good at it - I wasn't Benvolio for no reason... But it just seemed wrong. The whole 'write , learn, rehearse, perform' makes it seem quite fake and more like work than a persuasion of my true love for Phil. Guaranteed Phil already knows I love him, I make that clear all the time so fucking up wouldn't be the end of the world but I want his one proposal to be perfect. I have complete faith in my love that I can just pull this out the bag.

X - x - X

Big day. Phil's going to say yes. Right? RIGHT? Of course he is. Although...Will he? Do I want to do this? YES. Nothing in the world would make me happier than to be able to call Phil my husband and wake up to his beautiful face every day as cheesy as that is.

"Hey Dan, wanna go out today?" Uh oh. He wants to go out today?

"Um, like a date?" I ask because Phil's usually pale skin is even paler and he's twisting the hem of his shirt - something he only does when he's nervous. Is he nervous about asking me on a date? No, can't be. We've been going out for bloody 4 years and he's never hesitated then. What's going on?

"Yeah, I thought it might be nice, you know?" Well, yes it would but that'd completely ruin my plans.

"I dunno, Phil..." I trail off. I need time to think why I don't want to... "It's just that, well... Oh! It's just we've been so busy recently, wouldn't it be nice to stay in?" Phil looks torn but I don't see the issue, he loves staying in as much as me.

Now's a great time to set the proposal plan into motion though. It'll be less suspicious than if we'd had a pizza date night out of the blue when we'd only had one last week.

"Say, how about we stay here, order some pizza, watch some of Sword Art Online, and cuddle on the sofa till we're sleepy? Sound good?" I know he'll be into it.

I watch his face carefully and I can see that the idea does please him but having read his facial expressions for many years, I can tell he's doing some serious thinking because his brow is set just an inch too close together. What's on his mind...?

"Ok, Dan! Can't wait, I need to go do some stuff... I'll see you..." he says, half turned away already, deep in thought as he walks into his room. Weird. Whatever. I'll get it out of him later. I'm giddy now that my plan is gaining some momentum.

I don't see Phil until our 'date'. He's been cooped up in his room the whole day and I hope that my proposal can brighten his day as he seems quite stressed. Either way, we both settle into the sofa where I nestle into Phil who holds me in his arms. My favourite place to be. When our pizza arrives, we eat on the sofa and I think about how I forget every time how much fun simply staying at home with Phil watching anime is. I don't think it's possible to be bored of him; he's so interesting and full of life, all of his opinions intelligent and humorous. He's perfect, in other words.

Once we had cleared up a bit, we resettle into our positions and funnily enough, we were watching the episode where Kirito asks Asuna to marry him. I don't think this date could have gone any more to plan if I'm being honest. I'm going to ask him. This is it.

"Dan." I break out of my bubble and turn my head to where Phil is...was next to me. He's not there anymore. What the fuck? How did I not notice him move away from me? Was my mind that far away? He's on the floor. On one knee. With a little velvet box. Oh... OH.

"So this may seem rather out of the blue but I don't know if you remember but we put out our first video together today - well not today today but you know what I mean! Anyways, I don't think I need to tell you that I love you more than anything and anyone or that I want to spend the rest of forever with you or that I am the luckiest man to live on this planet because I get to go through life knowing you love me too. But what I _do_ need to tell you is that I want to marry you, Dan. So please, Dan... will you marry me?"

I am crying so much and so is Phil and god, this moment is too perfect. Phil's expectant face is adorable and I want to kiss it but instead I get off of the sofa and walk to in front of him and get down on my one knee too, much to his confusion, pulling out the little blue box I've been keeping hidden in my pocket.

"Will you marry me, Phil?" I ask, happy tears blurring my vision slightly as I open the box and if I could have a snap shot of any moment I've had in my life up until now, it would be this one with the both of us presenting the other with a ring.

Phil's face is so happy and I can only think how I have achieved what I had set out to do all those years ago. Phil is happy and so I am.

I can't wait any longer so I put the ring down on the coffee table and kiss Phil with enough emotion, I hoped would get my answer across.

Phil pulls away grinning, "I would love to marry you too," he says cheekily.

"I can't believe we were both going to propose on the same night!" I say, as Phil gently slips his silver ring onto my hand and I do the same and it's both a slightly comical and intimate moment - the Dan and Phil way, really - and I don't think it's possible for this night to have gone any better.

And now we're going to get married and I have the privilege of making him the happiest man in the world for the rest of our lives together. Thank you, Phil. I love you.

 **WOW! So it's done?! I hope you liked it! I really really enjoyed doing this! Sorry about making you wait - I'm awful, I know but I hope it was at least worth it :P I'm so happy AAAAHHHH :D Let me know what you thought too! Always interested and appreciated :)**

 **Bye, for now,**

 **May xxx**


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